I Was My Own Body Terrorist and My Transition Saved My Life The Body Is Not An Apology
I was distracted. Because I was designated female at birth, I had a lot to worry about when it came to my body. Was I thin enough? Was I beautiful enough? Was I alluring, desirable, fuckable? Would anybody want me? I was a teenager immersed in beauty ideals, expectations, and ultimately, body terrorism. The sheer amount of time I spent ruminating on my weight, on my makeup, on my appearance, and yes, judging the women around me, was alarming. I wanted to be enough. At first, the body policing I heard – your lips are too big, your face is too fat, your nose is shaped funny – came from the outside. But eventually, the voice of judgment that appraised the value of my body was coming from inside my head. I became my own body terrorist. “Not good enough,” became my mantra. I waged a war against myself and against the women who I thought did “femininity” better than I did. When I wasn’t busy grappling with my low self-esteem, I was giving side-eye to other women – the ones who made “fem...